Do I have value?
Such a simple word yet so weighted. I’ve thought about it as the past couple of days have been rough on this road to recovery. While this very well may be a short detour on the journey that is life, I still have to walk the path and with that all the feelings, emotions, and experiences that are a result of this unpaved part of the road.
The result of all the emotions and thoughts are going to manifest in various ways.
I’m hurt by those who claim to value me yet not once have checked in on me.
I’m angry at those who claim to value me yet can’t find the time to respond to simple requests or conversations.
I’m scared that by being sick I don’t have value.
We all place value on who we are through the things that we do. It looks very different for every person and it’s usually not just one thing. Writer, actor, doctor, lawyer, wife, husband, sibling, parent… These are just a few identities that humans use to describe who they are and what worth they have.
Finding meaning in everyday life. A purpose to why we are here. For some they have religion. Others find it by being in service of something or someone else. Others, it is completely egocentric.
Our own values dictate which of these we connect too and carry us to live out our lives.
Here I am, groggy and unable to get out of bed. I could nap but my brain is telling me I need to get up and habituate to the world around me. It wants me to move because my brain is struggling with what value do we have if we can’t even get out of bed. I’m aware that I should take time and rest because that is indeed part of the recovery process. That being gentle and kind to myself during this helps with recovery.
It is easier said than done. I can't help but ask the big and scary questions.
I’m a parent. What is my value as a parent who can’t even accompany them on simple outings?
I’m a wife. What is my value as a spouse if I can’t participate in all the activities it takes to create a home and nurture an everlasting relationship?
I’m a performer. What is my value if I cannot perform?
I’m a theater owner. What is my value if I cannot run the day to day operations?
I’m a teacher. What is my value if I cannot teach?
All of these questions. All of these labels have given me an identity, feeling of worth, and value to my life.
Right now I question it all. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I haven’t traveled far enough to see it yet. I want to stop. I want to quit. I want to give up. Maybe I can. Not forever but for a moment. Maybe this is that moment.
Maybe right now that is my value.