I don't need to feel bad about ...
I have a complicated life and wear many hats. I'm not just a small business owner, wife, artist, and parent but a caregiver. Caregivers are so busy helping others often their own well-being is neglected. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical issues. If you'd like to learn more please go ahead and take a look HERE.
I also carry that with me wherever I go so I then land up trying to take care of everyone. That just leads to becoming overwhelmed.
I know what it's like to carry a lot and take on burdens so I try to shield others from that. Thing is, that's not my job.
I have so many changes happening in my life. I have teenagers, my own health issues, a business that is changing rapidly and needs EXTRA attention and the result is I need EXTRA attention.
I am adjusting to a new system in place, new teams, new shows, and new financial stakes. It's not unfair of me to ask people to be there for me. I do not have to feel bad to ask for their attention during a tumultuous time of transition. If they can't well that shines a big light on what I need to know as I move forward.
The universe has a way of shining the light on the path you're supposed to walk and the people who walk it with you.
I'd love for those who I step up for time and time again, defend, and give opportunities to be able to give that back to me when I need it most. Their inability to do so is not a reflection of who I am.
It's okay, we all have thresholds for what we can handle.
I demand a lot, I expect people to step up and show out. It's good to know what others can and cannot do because it signals to me how I need to adjust my expectations and relationships.
If I've lifted the veil and you can't handle it, I get it, my life is complicated. I don't have to feel guilty for expecting support though. I don't have to feel guilty about asking for your time. I can ask you to take that on and if the answer is no that's fine but I don't have to feel bad, give you a pass and not get the support I need.
You say no, I'll find the people willing to say yes.
There are so many people who see my value even on my darkest days when I do not. The only thing I am sure of is that nothing stays the same, everything can be figured out, everyone is replaceable and we can only go forward.
What I learned this weekend is what strategies to put in place to protect my needs. I have been clear about what I need and if that isn't possible I know what I need to do.
I have every right to be supported, feel safe, and be happy.
My husband and I had a long talk and we both reminded each other that we are each other's biggest support system and that while we have demanding schedules we always have each other's back. He also reminded me that I can make changes at any time.
Sometimes I get stuck on the big picture and forget that I don't have to do anything that makes me feel I'm putting my business or happiness at risk.
I'm the gatekeeper. I bring A LOT to the table and you'll either see that as an opportunity or you won't. It's not my job to remind you of that over and over and over. I also don't have to stick with one decision. If I've decided something and it isn't working it can be changed.
I'm a fucking good leader. I give people space to explore, grow, and change as needed. As a theater, I have created more opportunities in a short time than places that have been around for 15 to 20 years. It's up to the individual(s) to seize the opportunity.
I'm a really good performer. I don't give myself enough credit on that especially lately. I check my ego a lot and sometimes you've got to let that bad bitch out of the cage from time to time. It's up to you to keep up with me not on me to bring my level to you.
I shouldn't have to feel asking to perform with me is a burden and if that's how I'm feeling that's because the other person doesn't see my worth. Again, that's a reflection on them and not on me. I might love a form, a group, or an individual but I love myself more. I'll be at this when others have long left it behind. I might have to adjust what artistically I'm doing but I'll find my way again. I always do.
People see the small picture because they are focused on short term results.
Life experience and maturity allows me to see the big picture. It's also not my job to protect others from making mistakes because I have the experience. In fact, I should push more to let them fail so they can take their lumps in order to grow.
I'm not apologizing for wanting people by my side to be more than colleagues. I see what others do for me and I reward them in various ways. It might be too much attention but I love my family, my friends, and my tribe and I don't think anyone could ever have too much attention. Who knows? Maybe they can but then I'm not the right person to be by their side.
I also operate from my heart and I am not apologizing for that either. Some people can get on stage, get off stage, move on to the next thing. I need a cool-down period after being on stage and I need it with the people who I was on stage with.
It's not too much to ask and if it is then we aren't a match and no worries, we both we'll find our people.
I push people to be better and demand they put their best foot forward. I expect people to rehearse, to engage in life-long learning, to find opportunities to improve. LOADS of people do not like that because it forces them to take a long look at themselves and step up. It's much easier being somewhere that allows for mediocrity and a comfort zone. I feel that to my core!
We all need different things and the right people will work with you to meet each other's needs. Relationships are a give and take but never at any time do I need to feel guilty for wanting support, a soundboard who is a confidant, my hand being held when things are too much, spending time with me if I need it or whatever I am asking for. It's okay if you can't, that just means I'm not your priority.
I'll find the person who sees my worth and wants to make me and what I do a priority.
It's okay if people are afraid of making waves with others too. We all have our own paths we must take. Sometimes they cross and other times they do not. What I don't have to be okay is getting my needs placed second because others take precedence. If that's the way it is, super cool, we now know that and I can operate under those conditions. It means I ask less of you and with that comes less of me, my attention, and opportunity.
I know my value and I'm not going to feel guilty for that either.
I am in a season of big changes. I have been for a little over a year now. Any big change can take 12-15 months to move through especially when it includes grief. I don't need to feel bad about needing to take the long way around. To adjust as needed. To make changes and then make them again. I'm allowed to have friendships that endure ups and downs while also knowing friends have my back and that I will be there for them. I don't have to beg for attention, feel scared to ask others to do something with me because it might ask more of them, or hope they get how great I am.