No One There But Me
I took some vulnerability risks this week. What sucks is they didn’t go well. It’s disruptive to the ecosystem in place and I tried to shift out of a cycle that has been broken for a long time.
It’s pretty painful and my personal response is also something I’ve been working on changing. I decided to use my voice to express my needs. It was met with deafening silence.
Logically, I’m aware of all the reasons why there is silence, however, it reinforces what I know. I’m alone. That asking for help only leads to even more emotional pain that it isn’t worth the stress and heaviness on my heart. The only person who is going to have my back is me. I’ll be there to pick myself up, make sure I’m safe, that my kids feel secure. It's what I do. I'm capable of strength.
It does suck that when you needed help the most because you were truly helpless it was met with blame instead. That the lesson was learned in childhood and since then other people have only proved they are selfish and unwilling to be there when they are asked to show up. Especially painful if that ask doesn’t come often. Systems in place aren't created for people like me and I'm too tired to take on the system.
I’m not sure what comes next. It might be time for me to go away for a while. Grieve in private and recalibrate to the solitude I have always known. What I know for sure is that the small calculated risks I took this week were also part of a personal test to see if I could take the bigger leap. The test failed which sucks but failure provides information. For now, there's no one there but me.