Still Dizzy

It’s been nearly two years since I was in the hospital. I’m still dizzy. It’s a wild ride what a life-changing event that takes away your passion and identity does to you. Not having the choice to begin a new chapter in your own life especially the majority of those chapters were also not by choice is a lot. I should use a more impactful adjective but frankly, I’m exhausted from trying to describe the indescribable.

Is it better than it was? Hell, yes!

I’m able to hold down a full-time, often incredibly busy job, raise three teenagers, and manage all the things it takes to keep going. Am I also in bed reading or listening to a podcast every night at 8 pm because I am tapped out? Why, yes, yes I am!

I’m at a place where I was able to travel on an airplane and spend a week away from home. I handle day driving well. I’m still hesitant to drive at night if it’s more than 15 minutes. Navigating large stores like Target or a grocery store is still a big challenge. So is the library. These places require lots of eye-tracking, bad lighting, and sensory overload.

Turns out wearing a mask while navigating stores makes things worse. Whether it’s because my anxiety is already heightened when out in the world or the senses being dulled, I don’t know. I’m also not an asshole so I opt to just not go out into the world very often. That’s what Instacart and Shipt are for!

I went to the movies for the first time in over two years, drove there and back, came home, and was wiped out and dizzy for the next two days. Takeaway: it better be a good movie.

All in all, this is great progress. And it’s also not so great.

Do I go out other than life stuff? It’s rare. Only so much energy to give.

Do I have friends beyond texts and social media check-ins? No, not really. The people you were “close” to fade away because you are no longer relevant to their world.

Am I doing okay with that? Eh, not really. Do I really have much to talk about if I was keeping in touch with all those people? Also, not really.

Are there other really big things happening in life? Yes. I’m not at the point of sharing so my world is even smaller.

I haven’t written anything in a long time. There are stories living in me but I just kinda don’t want to put the words down. I spend all day working on a computer and at some point, the world is spinning too much. Every space feels noisy, the onslaught of people looking for validation and attention overwhelms me so I’ve just recoiled into this small place for now.

So I’m still dizzy but also less dizzy. I’m also snarky, less willing to engage with bullshit, hiding from the world, and maybe, eventually, no promises will find my way back to even more stable ground.