Heading into day eleven of recovery and it feels like a lifetime.
A mere eleven days ago I found myself in the hospital with scary symptoms. What we know now is that I don’t have tumors, bleeds, brain damage. That is all amazing and wonderful. The working theory is a vestibular injury.
That is not so great.
This impacts everyone differently and there are accounts of people never having their sense of normalcy ever returning to people having the 3 worst days of their life and then back to themselves! I don’t know where I am on this spectrum. I still have several doctor appointments and therapy ahead. While it’s too soon to tell it also feels like it's too much.
“Lauren, you’re so strong”.
“You are one of the best at solving problems and working through challenges”.
“It’s going to be okay”.
Those sentiments come from the right place and they are nice to hear. Right now though it feels like too much. Another layer to a life that was already too much. Already a momgiver (that’s my word for a mom who is a caregiver too), running a business in a market that is stacked against me, and trying to maintain a sense of sanity, there is now an entirely new element.
The truth is it’s too soon to know what’s next. While it feels like a lifetime it hasn’t even been a full two weeks. It’s allowing myself to fall apart, be patient, and truly take one day at a time.
Right now I’m exposed and vulnerable. I require help and I have lost independence. So many have shown support and then there are the noticeable silences.
In the past 10 years, I have done a lot in the world of improv. My biggest focus has always been my own community and they are a comfort in this difficult time. I have also made impacts across the globe. Those who have been colleagues or even friends have gone silent. Have disappeared. It’s jarring. I also know that there are times when people just don’t know what to do or say. My brain gets it, my heart hurts.
The silence feeds into some of the big unknown questions that I am allowing myself to not ask or even contemplate because again it’s too much and it’s too soon.
I might be strong but I do need help. I am seeing a counselor and I think it’s important to share that. To normalize getting care.
This week I have several specialist appointments and the information I’m about to absorb will be a lot. It’s okay if I need time. After all, it’s too much and it’s too soon.